Saturday, November 19, 2011

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Friday, January 27, 2006

Things you didn't know about the Hoff

1. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasselhoff allows to live.

3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.

8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets David instead.

11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.

12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's s41t.

14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.

15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.

16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22. When David Hasselhoff does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

23. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

24. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

25. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

26. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

27. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Sign of the Times

Aries
(Mar 21 — Apr 19)
Early in the month, your theories are dismissed as the ramblings of a derranged fool. By mid month you will be classed as merely 'stupid', at this rate of personal growth, you'll be Albert Einstein by the end of February!.

Taurus
(Apr 20 — May 20)
Attempts to prove evolution to be a viable explaination for your wild facial hair prove fruitless this month, as you contiune to confound science.

Gemini
(May 21 — June 21)
After one too many this month, you will lapse into a mild coma. On the bright side, in your dreamlike state you will theorise on faster than light travel. Lets hope you wake up before they switch you off to conserve electricity!.

Cancer
(June 22 — July 22)
Your inability to communicate with primates will be a barrier at the Kyoto Summit late this month, as you plan to try to persuade the US to sign up.

Leo
(July 23 — Aug 22)
Despite what you consider to be a reasonable amount of attempts (315), you remain frustrated in your goal to bring about the implosion of the universe with an apple, a small refried bean, and various 'Mr Potato Head' fixtures (excluding lips).

Virgo
(Aug 23 — Sep 22)
Guffing. Using a comical word for it doesn't make it any more acceptable in the presence of Pierre Nkurunziza, the President of Burundi.

Libra
(Sep 23 — Oct 23)
Despite the best efforts of the world wide community, you continue to live your life, like a candle in the wind.

Scorpio
(Oct 24 — Nov 21)
You take the saying 'the show must go on' to extreme lengths this month, when, after a freak gas explosion, you attempt a one man version of Shakespere's "Mid Summer Nights Dream"

Sagittarius
(Nov 22 — Dec 21)
The old adage 'two heads are better than one' should not be taken literally, especially when you go to purchase a puppy this month.

Capricorn
(Dec 22 — Jan 19)
Confusion on your part between the BBC 6 o'clock news, and part of an episode of Mr Benn, isn't cleared up for nearly 3 excruciating days.

Aquarius
(Jan 20 — Feb 18)
A freakishly shaped parsnip reminds you of an ex this month, leading to a poorly executed voodoo doll, and ultimately resulting in weeks of excruciating back pain for Crystal Palace manager, Iain Dowie.

Pices
(Feb 19 — Mar 20)
Being under the sign of the fish, it's certainly no coincidence cat's affinity towards your car this month, unfortunately the resulting corrosion of your brake disks is no laughing matter.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Christmas

Can someone explain to me, exactly what the f**k is going on in the world today?. All over the UK for example, politically correct councils are shying away from the word "Christmas". Apparantly it offends non Christians (although I've never heard anyone actually be offended by it).

Frankly, if anyone was offended, maybe they should volunteer to keep the supermarkets, banks, and businesses open over the break, and get bent. The whole purpose of the time off is to allow time to celebrate a religeous holiday, if it's not your religeon, and you claim to be offended by the mere mention of the God of another religeon, then don't. Similarly, don't come round my house telling me to rename my Christmas tree an 'Xmas' tree, and put my nativity display away.

Oh, and happily, in a Google Fight betwixt Christmas and Xmas, Christmas still kicks arse :-).

ps Please feel free to try educate me on the Gregorian calendar, pagan holidays, 'not a public holiday til 1800s' etc etc, but I'm too old to learn anything new ...

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Modern Theatre

Has gone to the dogs, although the debate as to wether so called 'modern' theatre was anywhere but there. Illuminating article here reviewing the hitherto overlooked art of 'shoving veg in a private orafice, and walking about a bit', before 'painting in one's own excrement'.

Lovely

Reminds me of an episode of 'Spaced' starring David Walliams as a concept artist called 'Vulva'. Seems Simon Pegg had the world of performance art ... peeged

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Scientific Research

It's a sad truth, that scientific breakthroughs are being marginalised in the world today. As such, I am championing this piece of research in the ever expanding field of squirrel fishing. Read and be informed.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Blog Traffic

When I first set up this blog, I decided to add a site meter, out of interest. It gives me stats on how many people have stumbled upon my disorganised thoughts on a weekly basis. Interestingly, it also tells you how, if they've used a search engine, they arrive here as thier destination.

I checked the past three weeks stats, and found some of the search results I was showing sufficiently high enough, to make people want to 'click me'

1. Full Frontal Jade Goody

Now While I don't have anything against the large mouthed Essex bint, personally, but how on earth Google decided here was the palce to check for information on Jade's full and ample frontage, I have no idea. I just thank god that it wasn't listed under the image search.

2. Does Your Baby Smoke

An MSN search classic, and I must confess, I have no idea. Although, if you were a half decent parent, I think you'd probably know yourself.

3. Referee For Artificial Intelligence

I'm not a qualified referee, but I do understand the offside rule. Well until they brought in things about 'phases' which I'm not to sure about - how this would all relate to AI, i don't know, maybe ask ?.

4. How TO Say It At Work

Presumably the same as you say it at home, only with less swearing preferably?.

5. Don't B My Balls

Okay then .... ?

6. I'll Get Hurt So Bad And You'll Never Know

MSN search fascinates me, as do the people who must use it. Interestingly, MSN asks if we meant "I'll Get Hurt So Bad And You'll Never Knew" ... ahh, that makes much more sense!.

7. Platting Hair

This I do have an opinion on, although I have no idea how to do it. Ladies, don't, you come back from your holidays, with your little narrow plats sproting from the top of your head like so many lice on a carpet. Don't, it makes you look like a fool, and a chav

There were many more searches, including 'Latvian Lovelies' which makes sense (sometime back in 2004 I think), and many, many on 'catargh' (I can only hope they find the answers they are looking for), but then I got bored. Presumably 10 minutes later than everyone got bored of reading this post. Hey ho!